Dear Poorly Written Internet Article,

Don't tell me when you've proved your point, I'll come to that decision myself.


Thanks for nothing,
Me

Dear Broken Toaster Oven,

Because of you, Pop Tarts don't taste right to me unless they're burned.


Love,
Me

Dear High School Me,

Tip more!


Seriously,
Me

Dear Hobos,

Maybe if you didn't dress like hobos and didn't act all crazy you could hang out in air conditioned buildings longer.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear People Younger than Me,

You are NOT allowed to be famous yet, so stop.

Love,
Me

Dear Radio DJs,

The best of the 80s, 90s and today won't work too much longer, eventually you're going to have to start naming the most recent decades.


Love,
Me

Dear Pleated Pants,

I'm sure you'll wash up on the shores of "fashion" again, but this time I'll be ready.


Cautiously,
Me

Dear Refrigerator,

You should get together with my good friends Appetite and Shopping List so I'm not so disappointed every time I stop by.


Love,
Me

Dear Scientists,

Wake me up when we have teleportation or time travel or heck, I'd even settle for holograms.


Sleepily,
Me

Dear Aging,

I appreciate everything you've done for me up until this point but I can make it fine from here on without you.


Love,
Me

Dear Sheets,

You never seem dirty until I wash you and notice how much cleaner you feel.


Love,
Me

Dear Plan B,

You better be one hell of a lot better than plan A.


Expectantly,
Me

Dear Whiskers,

I wish you'd pick a color and stick with it because this whole red with brown and blonde thing you have going on is pretty confusing.


Love,
Me

Dear Cell Phone,

I realize that I'm literally taking your life in my hands every time I pee text but I just can't stop.


Sorry,
Me

Dear Phishers,

Your emails might sucker more people into giving you their personal information if you took the time to learn English and worked on your spelling a little bit.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Politics,

The less I think about you the happier I am.


Respectfully,
Me

Dear Mustache,

Quit wasting time and connect with the rest of my beard already!


Your loving friend,
Me

Dear Internet,

Thanks for proving to me that an endless supply of new cute, interesting, and funny stuff can actually get boring.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Driver with Halogen Bulbs,

How about I shine a 1 million candle power light in your eyes while you try desperately to see your lane in the dark?
Love,
Me

Dear Bros,

Great, you're having an in depth discussion about sports, I hope you'll excuse me while I sit quietly or try to find a conversation I can contribute to.
Sincerely,
Me

Dear Non-Vegetarians,

Vegetarians do not eat fish.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Small Boutique,

Being in your store makes me feel so guilty and so sorry for you that I have to leave before it ruins my day.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Traffic Lights,

At four in the morning there is absolutely no excuse you can give me that will justify being stuck at a red light at an empty intersection for several minutes.


Loathfully,
Me

Dear Handshakes,

Any time I'm forced to do any variation on the classic, I end up looking like a complete idiot.


Love,
Me

Dear Bruise,

As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea where you came from.


Cordially,
Me

Dear Early Morning Plans,

You never seem nearly as worth getting out of bed for as I thought you'd be the night before.


Sleepily,
Me

Dear Worst Enemies,

I wouldn't wish having your band featured as a Rock Star Favorite on the Denny's Allnighter menu even on the likes of you.


Contemptuously,
Me 

Dear Overly Zealous Store Worker,

Hell no I'm not going to stay in your store and be endlessly interrogated, propositioned and otherwise harrassed.


Goodbye,
Me

Dear 99 Cent Barbecue Chicken,

You maybe be able to buy a piece of barbecue chicken for 99 cents but you won't be able to buy peace of mind.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Last Piece of Silverware,

Every time someone went to grab a utensil they picked one other than you and I refuse to take the piece of silverware that everybody decided was inferior to one of the other options.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Digestive System,

I promise never to eat such a gross amount of fair food again.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Former Ostrich Capital of the World,

I guess it's back to the drawing board aye?


Love,
Me

Dear Bands,

Nobody believes you when you say that the show you're playing in their particular town is your favorite one on the tour so stop telling us it is.


Love,
Me

Dear Viral Marketing,

You're a good analogy but you break down when you realize that you couldn't really go spreading your ideas by forcefully infecting people and using them to promote things against their wills.

Love,

Me

Dear Google,

I think I like you but you scare the hell out of me like a girlfriend that has most of your passwords that you know could completely screw you over on the slightest whim.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Advice,

Do you feel bad or smug when people don't heed you and only realize later that you were so very right?


Love,
Me

Dear X-Ray Tech Mom,

Because of your words of warning, I can almost feel the "low dose radiation" killing my sperm whenever I keep my phone in my pocket.


Thanks,
Me

Dear Tea,

I must say you have very loyal followers, every time I tell someone I don't like you they make it their life mission to make me try their favorite kind.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Emoticons,

I hate that I'm forced to use you but until they invent some sort of sarcasm font or some other way to convey subtext, I'll be using as many smileys as a 14-year old girl in all of my electronic communiqué.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Classic Rock,

I feel like I need to apologize to you for having you confused with 80's metal most of my life — Sorry.


Love,
Me

Dear Newfangled Smoke Detectors capable of beeping with no battery,

You were designed by an evil genius, I'm almost too impressed to be mad, almost.


Respectfully yours,
Me

Dear Chat Conversations,

My favorite part about you is that it's the only time I can have a conversation with someone while pooping and not have them think that there is anything out of the ordinary going on.


Love,
Me

Dear Sponge,

You are undoubtedly the most frightening item in my kitchen.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Voice Mail,

I appreciate what you've done for me over the years but to be honest, I'd rather deal exclusively with texts.

It's been fun,

Me

Dear Steering Wheel Cover,

I'm not sure if I should be asking you why you smell faintly of dog paws or asking myself why I smelled you.

Your friend,

Me

Dear TV Show Cliffhangers,

Listen, you can only string me along for so long before I start feeling used and annoyed with you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Cats,

I'm not buying one of you because you live too long.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Tattoos,

I might actually consider getting one of you if I could have you removed for about the same price and with the same amount of effort when I inevitably a) decide you look old and stupid, b) become less passionate about whatever you represented in my life, or c) decide I'm too old to look good with a tattoo.

Best Wishes,

Me

Dear Wii Mario Party Mini Games,

The whole time I'm violently pumping my Wiimote to scrub the Chain Chomp I have to summon all of my maturity not to make masturbation jokes.

Your friend,

Me

Dear Easy Mac,

Of all of the microwave dinners I've ever been desperate enough to buy, you are the only one who has never disappointed me because I never expect much from you to begin with.

Love,

Me

Dear Lead Singer of Neutral Milk Hotel,

It's fine if you actually are gay, but I have to say, if you are it significantly changes the meaning of the song Two Headed Boy for me forever.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Wispy Chest Hairs,

I'm getting tired of pulling you out by the roots and I wish you'd just give up already.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Laugh Tracks,

We're smart enough to know when to laugh, you're not helping with your annoying outbursts every three seconds.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Hot Water,

Why do you always wait till I'm at my sudsiest to leave?

Love,

Me

Dear Phone Keyboard,

Thanks for making me look like an illiterate fool on a daily basis.

Love,

Me

Dear Toilet Paper Users,

How is it possible that I'm the only one that isn't too lazy to actually take the 10 seconds to switch out the empty roll for a new one?

Your concerned friend,

Me

Dear Stomach,

We're all on the same team here and I'll listen to you when I can but can you please shut up when we're out seeing other people?

Love,

Me and my friends

Dear Pubes,

Your very existence is all the proof I need that the theory of evolution is a farce.

Love,

Me

Dear New Girl,

Congratulations, we're now costars in all of my dreams.

Love,

Me

Dear Commas,

What's going on with you — growing up I was told to put you everywhere and now they're taking it all back.

Love,

Me

Dear Girls,

It's really too bad that sometimes the only way to find out if I should have dated you or not is by actually dating you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Gay Guys,

What do I have to do to get you to quit hitting on me but still attract the attention of girls?

Cordially,

Me

Dear Reading,

I really do like you, it's just that every time that I actually have time for you there are other leisure activities I'd rather be doing.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Arrogant Elitist Slime,

Refusing to do or like something only because it's popular is just as lame as only listening to top 40 radio.

Love,

Me

Dear Hypothetical Attendees of my Funeral,

How mad would you be if I faked my own death shortly before I actually died just so I could hear everything you'd say about me?

Love,

Me

Dear Carpool Only Exits,

I think I finally figured out why I get so much joy from you — you remind me of taking a shortcut in Mario Kart!

LOVE,

Me

Dear 5 a.m. Chimichanga,

After every time we meet, I say I'll never make that mistake again and yet I always do.

See ya next time,

Me

Dear Job,

You better have something pretty sweet planned for me in exchange for agreeing to work Saturday nights.

Waiting patiently (for now),

Me

Dear Diploma,

Way to go landing me that minimum wage job!

Love,

Me

Dear Dream I had where I was incredibly smooth,

Why can't any of my subconscious suaveness transfer to my waking hours?

Love,

Me

Dear Dreamworks,

We didn't want or need Shrek the Third, what ever possessed you to make Shrek 4?

Until next time,

Everyone Everywhere

Dear driver of the car with the Storm Trooper Jolly Roger,

I don't know you but I think you're my soulmate.

Love,

Your Soulmate

Dear Marquee Theater of Tempe, AZ

You'd be my least favorite venue even if I could park at you for free.

Until we meet again,

Me

Dear Girl I Met at a Party,

I don't want to do better, I want to do you.

Sincerely,

Beer Goggles

Dear Belly Button,

Why does no other part of my body smell as strange and intriguing as you do?

Love,

Me

Dear Owl City,

I listened to your album three times, but I'm done now.

Cheers,

Me

Dear Unibrow,

Thanks for being something tangible I can point to as proof that I'm straight.
Love,

Me