Dear Diploma,

Way to go landing me that minimum wage job!

Love,

Me

Dear Dream I had where I was incredibly smooth,

Why can't any of my subconscious suaveness transfer to my waking hours?

Love,

Me

Dear Dreamworks,

We didn't want or need Shrek the Third, what ever possessed you to make Shrek 4?

Until next time,

Everyone Everywhere

Dear driver of the car with the Storm Trooper Jolly Roger,

I don't know you but I think you're my soulmate.

Love,

Your Soulmate

Dear Marquee Theater of Tempe, AZ

You'd be my least favorite venue even if I could park at you for free.

Until we meet again,

Me

Dear Girl I Met at a Party,

I don't want to do better, I want to do you.

Sincerely,

Beer Goggles

Dear Belly Button,

Why does no other part of my body smell as strange and intriguing as you do?

Love,

Me

Dear Owl City,

I listened to your album three times, but I'm done now.

Cheers,

Me

Dear Unibrow,

Thanks for being something tangible I can point to as proof that I'm straight.
Love,

Me