Dear Early Morning Plans,

You never seem nearly as worth getting out of bed for as I thought you'd be the night before.


Sleepily,
Me

Dear Worst Enemies,

I wouldn't wish having your band featured as a Rock Star Favorite on the Denny's Allnighter menu even on the likes of you.


Contemptuously,
Me 

Dear Overly Zealous Store Worker,

Hell no I'm not going to stay in your store and be endlessly interrogated, propositioned and otherwise harrassed.


Goodbye,
Me

Dear 99 Cent Barbecue Chicken,

You maybe be able to buy a piece of barbecue chicken for 99 cents but you won't be able to buy peace of mind.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Last Piece of Silverware,

Every time someone went to grab a utensil they picked one other than you and I refuse to take the piece of silverware that everybody decided was inferior to one of the other options.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Digestive System,

I promise never to eat such a gross amount of fair food again.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Former Ostrich Capital of the World,

I guess it's back to the drawing board aye?


Love,
Me

Dear Bands,

Nobody believes you when you say that the show you're playing in their particular town is your favorite one on the tour so stop telling us it is.


Love,
Me

Dear Viral Marketing,

You're a good analogy but you break down when you realize that you couldn't really go spreading your ideas by forcefully infecting people and using them to promote things against their wills.

Love,

Me

Dear Google,

I think I like you but you scare the hell out of me like a girlfriend that has most of your passwords that you know could completely screw you over on the slightest whim.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Advice,

Do you feel bad or smug when people don't heed you and only realize later that you were so very right?


Love,
Me

Dear X-Ray Tech Mom,

Because of your words of warning, I can almost feel the "low dose radiation" killing my sperm whenever I keep my phone in my pocket.


Thanks,
Me

Dear Tea,

I must say you have very loyal followers, every time I tell someone I don't like you they make it their life mission to make me try their favorite kind.


Sincerely,
Me