Dear Whiskers,

I wish you'd pick a color and stick with it because this whole red with brown and blonde thing you have going on is pretty confusing.


Love,
Me

Dear Mustache,

Quit wasting time and connect with the rest of my beard already!


Your loving friend,
Me

Dear Bruise,

As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea where you came from.


Cordially,
Me

Dear Digestive System,

I promise never to eat such a gross amount of fair food again.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Wispy Chest Hairs,

I'm getting tired of pulling you out by the roots and I wish you'd just give up already.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Stomach,

We're all on the same team here and I'll listen to you when I can but can you please shut up when we're out seeing other people?

Love,

Me and my friends

Dear Belly Button,

Why does no other part of my body smell as strange and intriguing as you do?

Love,

Me

Dear Unibrow,

Thanks for being something tangible I can point to as proof that I'm straight.
Love,

Me