Dear Emoticons,

I hate that I'm forced to use you but until they invent some sort of sarcasm font or some other way to convey subtext, I'll be using as many smileys as a 14-year old girl in all of my electronic communiqué.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Classic Rock,

I feel like I need to apologize to you for having you confused with 80's metal most of my life — Sorry.


Love,
Me

Dear Newfangled Smoke Detectors capable of beeping with no battery,

You were designed by an evil genius, I'm almost too impressed to be mad, almost.


Respectfully yours,
Me

Dear Chat Conversations,

My favorite part about you is that it's the only time I can have a conversation with someone while pooping and not have them think that there is anything out of the ordinary going on.


Love,
Me

Dear Sponge,

You are undoubtedly the most frightening item in my kitchen.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Voice Mail,

I appreciate what you've done for me over the years but to be honest, I'd rather deal exclusively with texts.

It's been fun,

Me

Dear Steering Wheel Cover,

I'm not sure if I should be asking you why you smell faintly of dog paws or asking myself why I smelled you.

Your friend,

Me

Dear TV Show Cliffhangers,

Listen, you can only string me along for so long before I start feeling used and annoyed with you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Cats,

I'm not buying one of you because you live too long.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Tattoos,

I might actually consider getting one of you if I could have you removed for about the same price and with the same amount of effort when I inevitably a) decide you look old and stupid, b) become less passionate about whatever you represented in my life, or c) decide I'm too old to look good with a tattoo.

Best Wishes,

Me

Dear Wii Mario Party Mini Games,

The whole time I'm violently pumping my Wiimote to scrub the Chain Chomp I have to summon all of my maturity not to make masturbation jokes.

Your friend,

Me

Dear Easy Mac,

Of all of the microwave dinners I've ever been desperate enough to buy, you are the only one who has never disappointed me because I never expect much from you to begin with.

Love,

Me

Dear Lead Singer of Neutral Milk Hotel,

It's fine if you actually are gay, but I have to say, if you are it significantly changes the meaning of the song Two Headed Boy for me forever.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Wispy Chest Hairs,

I'm getting tired of pulling you out by the roots and I wish you'd just give up already.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Laugh Tracks,

We're smart enough to know when to laugh, you're not helping with your annoying outbursts every three seconds.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Hot Water,

Why do you always wait till I'm at my sudsiest to leave?

Love,

Me

Dear Phone Keyboard,

Thanks for making me look like an illiterate fool on a daily basis.

Love,

Me

Dear Toilet Paper Users,

How is it possible that I'm the only one that isn't too lazy to actually take the 10 seconds to switch out the empty roll for a new one?

Your concerned friend,

Me

Dear Stomach,

We're all on the same team here and I'll listen to you when I can but can you please shut up when we're out seeing other people?

Love,

Me and my friends

Dear Pubes,

Your very existence is all the proof I need that the theory of evolution is a farce.

Love,

Me

Dear New Girl,

Congratulations, we're now costars in all of my dreams.

Love,

Me

Dear Commas,

What's going on with you — growing up I was told to put you everywhere and now they're taking it all back.

Love,

Me

Dear Girls,

It's really too bad that sometimes the only way to find out if I should have dated you or not is by actually dating you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Gay Guys,

What do I have to do to get you to quit hitting on me but still attract the attention of girls?

Cordially,

Me

Dear Reading,

I really do like you, it's just that every time that I actually have time for you there are other leisure activities I'd rather be doing.

Sorry,

Me

Dear Arrogant Elitist Slime,

Refusing to do or like something only because it's popular is just as lame as only listening to top 40 radio.

Love,

Me

Dear Hypothetical Attendees of my Funeral,

How mad would you be if I faked my own death shortly before I actually died just so I could hear everything you'd say about me?

Love,

Me

Dear Carpool Only Exits,

I think I finally figured out why I get so much joy from you — you remind me of taking a shortcut in Mario Kart!

LOVE,

Me

Dear 5 a.m. Chimichanga,

After every time we meet, I say I'll never make that mistake again and yet I always do.

See ya next time,

Me

Dear Job,

You better have something pretty sweet planned for me in exchange for agreeing to work Saturday nights.

Waiting patiently (for now),

Me